Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
Chapter 23: Bang Bang Bang Bang
Teacher says that I’ve been naughty/I must learn to concentrate/But the girls they pull my hair/And with the boys I can’t relate
Daddy says I’m good for nothing/Mama says that it’s from him/Manic sister thinks I’m cracking/Brother says it’s in my genes
O-oh o-oh!
Don’t you want to? Don’t you want to be the one?
Don’t you want to… bang bang bang bang bang bang bang?
Keira was sitting at a table for two off to the side alone, sipping a martini. The place was socially electrified; but she had given a quaint and forgettable speech about the project that was now hiding in her pocket, talked to those who wished to make conversation, and now was able to enjoy some alone time. Sohodolls was playing on the speakers. Bang Bang Bang Bang, to be specific. It felt uncomfortably appropriate, and she considered going and telling the DJ to change the song.
Unfortunately, she realized, this would give away too much about herself; and so she opted to simply continue sipping her martini instead.
Somebody lit up a cigarette, and she realized there were no restrictions on substances in this establishment that Perfluous HR had picked besides those that these yuppies had for themselves.
She hadn’t yet replaced her preferred pack, which now laid empty but for a few shreddings of tobacco and a coupon in the trash back home, so she pulled out one of the lengthy menthols and lit up using the candle on the table.
That was better, and soothed the irritation from the earlier unadulterated smoke. She wished she had realized she could’ve lit up before when she had been talking to Andrew Long, who was a generic Silicon Valley consultant who was possibly the most irritating person she had ever had the displeasure of engaging in a professional relationship with; even intermittently. Luckily, she would doubtless have another chance to employ the strategy before the end of the night.
The Thinker had proved useful for quips and insights regarding difficult subjects, but had so far failed to be of much use for small talk. Long specialized in small talk.
Adam sat down with her, having approached from an angle she hadn’t been as attentive to as others.
“Hi,” said Keira.
“Hello,” said Adam. “How are you feeling?”
“Fine,” said Keira. “Things seem to be going well.”
“They are. Your speech went well, the reporters will likely have only nice things to say this time. Long had you captive for a while there.” He smiled, leaving the implication of what the reporters usually said in the past merely implied.
“He’s harmless,” she said. “Just wanted to make sure we all know that he can help in this way, and that way, and every way under the sun as long as it takes at least an hour to list them.”
“That sounds very like him,” he said.
“Yes,” she said, and took a long drag on the thin, relatively weak and minty stick. “Perhaps he’ll be helpful someday, you never know.”
“He was helpful,” Adam said with a cautionary or lecturing tone that she couldn’t quite place. “Just before your time.”
“Right, I know. I’m just looking forward to the future,” Keira said, and went for a shorter draw on the ember this time.
“As you always are wont to do, I’m aware,” he said, smiling again without pretense behind it that Keira could sense.
“It’s true,” said Keira, letting down her guard a little as she let out an exhale.
“Are you planning on socializing?” Adam asked, narrowing his eyes just a touch.
“I already did,” Keira said defensively, because it was true.
“Some. With Long, mostly,” he said.
“Are you surprised I wasn’t up to more after him?”
“No, but I also know that we aren’t even an hour into this event and you’re already sitting in the corner drinking and chainsmoking.”
“This is my first cigarette.”
“And yet my words will prove correct. I have a good feeling about it.”
“Give me a bit of time and I’ll get back to talking to people,” she said with a sigh.
“Alright, but I’ll be watching you and coming back if you don’t get a move on soon,” he said, and got up, walking off to somebody else for small talk.
Keira resigned herself to an unenjoyable night, and got up with her cigarette only half-finished and the olive of the martini not yet savored to converse with her alleged fellow peers and such. At least it would be more tolerable with alcohol and tobacco.
———
With a swish, Keira’s door opened, and she threw herself inside her unit as the door automatically closed behind her.
She shifted as the home system began prompting, this time with an audible voice.
“Would you like some water? Here is a bottle.”
A bottle of water rolled out of a slot on the wall near the floor to the heap of clothes and dark red hair lying by the entrance.
“Please be quieter,” Keira mumbled.
“Understood,” the room intoned in a pleasant androgynous voice. “But you have not had the opportunity to develop a hangover.”
“I’m trying to sleep!” she snapped, and the computer’s response this time was much more curt.
“Understood.” On the wall, a readout declared the lights had been reduced to 2% of maximum intensity in accordance with her default sleeping preferences.
And then she slept.
Her dreams were wild. Fanciful even to a dreamer. She faced down unimaginable odds, fought in a generational war of unimaginable scale and attained a position of undue power as a general in a fight against a Lovecraftian enemy made of impossibly thin string that would immediately annihilate you and all of your closest relatives and friends in the event that it touched you.
She did her best, but one of her men began to drift towards one of the fatal strands unknowingly. She shouted out at him, and he turned towards her startled.
Bang bang bang bang!
His side brushed against the thread, but you couldn’t even notice it because as soon as contact was made he was gone.
So was his wife. So were his children, which Keira had met and even changed the diaper of one earlier in the dream.
When she woke, the menthols were no longer enough and she stumped out of her dwelling to go find something stronger.
By the time she returned to her apartment, the Sun was beginning to show signs of life underneath the visible Earth. Thankfully though, by the time it peeked over the horizon Keira was fully unconscious again, and her dreams were less fitful this time after the walk and the MAOIs.
———
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Feeling good about where Keira is at now. I think I’ve successfully portrayed most facets of her character at this point. I’ll likely move onto other perspectives now, continuing Valerie’s story from about four years prior (Syboleth, chapter 2(?)) and exploring other perspectives, including perhaps even the fabled Chapter One.
Hai :3
Even without context, I really like how Keira’s exhaustion and alienation come through immediately. The party feels loud and artificial, but she’s so internal and guarded that everything around her becomes irritating, performative, and/or faintly threatening. There’s this great contrast between the “socially electrified” room and Keira sitting off to the side, smoking and trying not to reveal too much of herself. It makes her feel sharp, tired, a little mean, and very human.
That says so much about her in such a small way!! She is constantly managing perception, even with something as simple as disliking a song. It makes the later dream sequence feel more vulnerable because suddenly all that control is gone, and her mind turns the song into horror.
Adam and Keira’s dialogue is also really natural!! There’s history there without it being overexplained, which is perfect for a story that seems to have a lot of action/conflict. I like that he’s gently pushing her while still seeming fond of her ~~ Their dynamic gives the scene some warmth, even though Keira is so prickly. I wonder why she's so standoffish, too; I imagine I'm missing context there though!! The chainsmoking joke is great because it lightly punctures her defensiveness, though she quickly picks up the pieces again.
^^^ Little thought: The transition from corporate event to dream-war is really compelling, but the dream could maybe be a little more condensed or sharpened?? The idea of a Lovecraftian string enemy that erases whole families is SO unsettling, and “Bang bang bang bang!” tying back to the song is fantastic, but some of the explanation around the enemy feels more concept-summary than something with immediacy. I’d love to feel the terror before fully understanding the rules ~~ Like, I want to feel like I'm in the moment with them.
Ugh, so good!! I love the hopelessness that is radiating off of this ending.
This has such a strong cyberpunk burnout feeling: martinis, consultants, automated rooms, cigarettes, corporate performance, then somehow psychic collapse... A lot of information to digest!! Keira is really interesting already, and the chapter does a great job showing how badly she wants control while quietly proving she does not have nearly as much of it as she thinks. I wonder who is really in control <.< Maybe I'll have to read some of the other chapters to truly understand, but I thought this was a fun read nonetheless!!
Amazing work!! Happy Review Day!!
- Payton
There we go. All caught up. Hope you’re happy xd (also happy that no bribes were necessary after all xd It just took me a while longer ^^)
And we’re still with Keira.
Aww why change the song if it’s fitting. It’s life reminding you that nothing is a coincidence, Keira xp Also I am immediately sad that this establishment allows inside smoking xd Also also I kinda got the feeling that Keira doesn’t really smoke and yet here she is, mimicking a chimney for the past several chapters. I know, special occasions and she’s still not over the whole Thinker release thing but still. This is concerning behaviour!
I like this insight from Adam: “And yet my words will prove correct. I have a good feeling about it.”
I’m beginning to really dislike Keira, as a person, not as a POV character. She really has no respect for her peers, helped a potentially dangerous machine “escape” onto her smartphone and can’t get over her dad whom she doesn’t help for as of yet unexplained reasons. Mannn what an unlikeable character xd
But I do like how she arrives at home and just throws herself onto the floor to sleep xd Also like the description of her “preferred sleep settings”. So she sleeps with a bit of light, huh?
I feel like the description of her dream is too long (a sentence that is by itself an entire paragraph!!) and has too many adjectives. I get that you want to show the hyperbole of it all… but it just reads rather pretentious to me ^^
Hmm I wonder if this is a reference to string theory?
Uh who is “you” in this sentence? “but you couldn’t even notice it”
Aiaiaia, Keira, what are you getting yourself into. A curious lack of on-screen interactions with the thinker hmhm!
Excellent, you're experiencing things pretty much exactly as I wish at this point then! Haha.
Keira is meant to seem sympathetic and troubled at first but eventually become basically Joffrey if he had a MC first-person perspective and was actually competent.
Glad it's how you expect it to be
That is the most wonderful thing to read as a writer, right? :3
Indeed! Also, as far as %u201Cyou%u201D I%u2019m using a not super common but valid rhetorical device where the writer is literally referring to the reader and saying that any given person reading this would not have been able to see it either, it happened so fast.